You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
