He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
