WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize