Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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