Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
