Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
