3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
