if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
oh god was she eating orange peels again
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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