Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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