Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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