I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
A+ Viking dick
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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