I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
This toilet bowl is my home.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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