I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize