I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
