Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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