Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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