nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
