We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
