Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
