i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
