Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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