How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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