Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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