I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
