just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
