My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize