Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
