How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I checked into jail on foursquare
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
