someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
