just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
