Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
