We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
