I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i need some magic done to my vagina
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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