Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just want to make out with him forever
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
