well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
