fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
