i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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