He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize