It's Friday. Sex?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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