Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
