On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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