She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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