cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
