Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
should my penis look like a turkey
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
we're so committed to being not committed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
