all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
