I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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