you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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