My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
