I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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