Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
