1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
