I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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