I don't remember. Are we still dating?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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