I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize