my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
