Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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