Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
