I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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