Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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