you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
