If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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