toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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