I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
