Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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