Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
