That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm passing your future prison.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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