Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize